§. 21. Of husbands vngratefull diſcouraging their wiues. to §. 30. Of husbands too great pride in commanding.

§. 21. Of husbands vngratefull diſcouraging their wiues.

Contrary is an vngratefull, if not enuious diſpoſition of ſuch husbands, as paſſing by many good things ordinarily and vſually euery day done by their wiues without any approbation, commendation or remuneration, are ready to diſpraiſe the leaſt ſlip, or neglect in them; and that in ſuch generall termes as if they neuer did any thing well, ſo as their wiues may well complaine and ſay as it is in the prouerbe,

Oft did I well, and that heare I neuer:

Once did I ill, and that heare I euer.

Yet ſuch will be ready to praiſe other mens wiues, and vp braid their owne wiues with the examples of thoſe other, when their owne doe farre excell them in all kinde of goodneſſe. What doth this ſhew but that either they take no notice of their own wiues goodneſſe, or elſe by reaſon of the commonneſſe thereof little regard it? If their wiues haue not the more grace in them, this diſpoſition is enough not only to diſcourage them from doing any good duty, but alſo to breed iealouſie in them, and to alienate their hearts from them.

§. 22. Of an husbands

mildneſſe.

Hitherto of that reſpect which an husband is to haue of that duty which his wife performeth to him.

For auoiding iuſt offence, an husband muſt further haue good reſpect to that which as duty he doth to his wife. As kindly he muſt accept duty at his wiues hands, ſo mildly he muſt performe that duty which he oweth to her.

This mildneſſe is an eſpeciall fruit, and euidence of loue, and a notable meanes to take away all offence that otherwiſe might be taken from many things which he doth. Sugar and Hony are not more pleaſant to the tongue, then mildneſſe to the heart; it cauſeth ſuch things as otherwiſe are irkſome and grieuous to the ſoule, to be well taken and applied, euen as bitter pils dipt in ſweet ſyrrop, or rolled vp in the ſoft pap of

an apple, are ſoone ſwallowed downe and well digeſted. If an husband deſire to be accounted a ſeruant of the Lord he muſt learne this leſſon: For the ſeruant of the Lord muſt be gentle to all men. If any other ſeruant of the Lord, much more huſbands: if to all men, moſt of all to their wiues: and that in many reſpects.

• 1. Becauſe of the neere vnion betwixt man and wife.

• 2. Becauſe of the ioynt authority ſhe hath with him ouer others: that herein he may be a preſident and example to her.

• 3. Becauſe of her weakneſſe: glaſſes are tenderly handled: a ſmall knocke ſoone breakes them.

§. 23. Of husbands bitterneſſe.

Contrary is bitterneſſe, a vice expreſly forbidden, and that in particular to husbands. A vice that cannot ſtand with an huſband-like loue: whereupon the Apoſtle commanding the one forbiddeth the other, Loue (ſaith he) and be not bitter. Nothing more turneth the edge of his authority, peruerteth the vſe of his gouernment, prouoketh the ſtomacke of his wife, maketh his words and deeds leſſe regarded, then bitterneſſe. It is as gall and wormwood mixed with ſweet and wholeſome meats, which cauſeth that they cannot be well digeſted, but with violence are ſpit out againe ſo ſoone as euer they be taſted. Men in authority are much prone hereunto: and therefore O husbands be ſo much the more watchfull againſt it, loue your wiues and be not bitter vnto them.

§. 24. Of the

Titles which an husband giueth to his wife.

The forenamed mildeneſſe of an huſband muſt be manifeſted in his

Speech,

Cariage.

For ſo far as reuerence extends it ſelfe in the duties of wiues, muſt mildneſſe be extended in the duties of husbands.

Whether an husbands ſpeech be to his wife before her face, or of her behinde her backe, it muſt be ſweetned with mildneſſe.

1. For his ſpeech to her, 1. The titles wherewith he calleth her. 2. The inſtructions which he giueth her. 3. The commandements which he layeth vpon her. 4. The reproofes wherewith he checketh her, muſt all be mixed with mildneſſe.

Among other titles, the moſt ordinary and vſuall title (wife)

is a milde and kinde title, and leaſt offenſiue of all other: if an husband giue any other title to his wife, it muſt be ſuch an one as manifeſteth kindneſſe, familiaritie, loue, and delight. Such are all the titles which Chriſt giueth to the Church, as Spouſe, Loue, Doue, with the like. I doe not deny but that in the Song of Salomon, and in other places of Scripture many titles are giuen and ſpeeches vſed by Chriſt to the Church which are not meet to be vſed by husbands to their wiues, becauſe they are metaphoricall, and hyperbolicall: but yet in them all we may obſerue tokens of amiableneſſe, kindneſſe, and mildneſſe, which is the end for which I haue alledged his example.

But contrary are ſuch titles as on the one ſide ſet the wife in too high a place ouer her husband, as Lady, Miſtreſſe, Dame, Mother, &c. And on the other ſide ſet her in too meane a rancke, as woman, wench, &c. And their Chriſtian names contracted, as Sal, Mal, Beſſe, Nan. &c. and names of kindred, as Siſter, and Coſen: and, opprobrious names, as ſtut, drab, queant; and names more befitting beaſts then wiues, as Cole, Browne, Muggle, &c.

Obiect. Theſe are titles of mildneſſe, kindneſſe, and much familiarity: for husbands call their wiues by theſe names, not when they are angry with them and diſpleaſed, but ordinarily, and vſually, euen when they are beſt pleaſed.

Anſw. The mildneſſe and familiarity which is required of an husband muſt be ſuch as may ſtand with his authority and place of eminency (as ſome of thoſe names doe not,) and with that neere coniunction which is betwixt man and wife about all others (as other doe not,) and with Chriſtian grauity and diſcretion (as other doe not.) Chriſtians therefore muſt take heed that by their practiſe they iuſtifie not corrupt cuſtomes.

§. 25. Of an husbands manner of inſtructing his wife.

2. To inſtruction the Apoſtle expreſly annexeth meekneſſe,

Inſtruct (ſaith he) with meekeneſſe, thoſe that oppoſe themſelues. If miniſters muſt vſe meekeneſſe when they inſtruct their people, much more husbands when they inſtruct their wiues: if in caſe of oppoſition meekeneſſe muſt not be laid aſide, then in no caſe, at no time.

In this caſe to manifeſt meekeneſſe, let theſe rules be obſerued.

1. Note the vnderſtanding and capacity of thy wife, and accordingly fit thine inſtructions: if ſhe be of meane capacity, giue precept vpon precept, line vpon line, here a little and there a little: a little at once oft giuen (namely euery day ſomething) will ariſe in time to a great meaſure, and ſo ariſe, as, together with knowledge of the thing taught, loue of the perſon that teacheth will increaſe.

2. Inſtruct her in priuate betwixt thy ſelfe and her, that ſo her ignorance may not be blazed forth: priuate actions paſſing betwixt man and wife are tokens of much kindneſſe and familiarity.

3. In the family ſo inſtruct children and ſeruants when ſhe is preſent, as ſhe may learne knowledge thereby: there can be no more meeke and gentle manner of inſtructing, then by one to inſtruct another.

4. Together with thy precepts mixe ſweet and pithy perſwaſions, which are teſtimonies of great loue.

Contrary is an harſh and rough manner of inſtructing, when husbands goe about to thruſt into their wiues heads, as it were by violence, deepe myſteries which they are not able to conceiue, and yet if they conceiue not, they will be angry with them, and in anger giue them euill language, and proclaime their ignorance before children, ſeruants, and ſtrangers. This harſhneſſe is ordinarily ſo fruitleſſe, and withall ſo exaſperateth a womans ſpirit, as I thinke he were better cleane omit the duty then doe it after ſuch a manner.

§. 26. Of an husbands manner of

commanding his wife any thing.

3. The commandements which an husband giueth to his wife, whether they be affirmatiue (bidding her to doe ſomething) or negatiue (forbidding her to doe this or that) muſt all be ſeaſoned with mildneſſe. For which end reſpect muſt be had to the matter and manner of his commandements.

In regard of the matter the things which he commandeth his wife to doe, muſt be

• 1. Such as are indeed lawfull and honeſt.

-

2. Such as ſhe is perſwaded to be ſo.

• 3. Such as beſeeme her place.

• 4. Such as are of weight and moment.

And on the contrary, the things which he forbiddeth muſt be

• 1. Such as are indeed vnlawfull to be done.

• 2. Such as he can euidently proue vnto her to be vnlawfull.

• 3. Such as are vnbeſeeming her place.

• 4. Such as will haue ſome euill and miſchieuous effect if they be done.

1. To command a thing vnlawfull, or forbid a thing which ought to be done, is to bring his owne authority into oppoſition with Gods: in which caſe he bringeth his wife into this ſtrait, either to reiect Gods commandement or his. How then can ſhe thinke that her husband loueth her, when he bringeth her into ſuch ſnares and ſtraits, that ſhe muſt needs fall into the gulfe of Gods diſpleaſure, or knocke againſt the rocke of her husbands offence? Mildneſſe is farre from ſuch commandements.

2. The like may be ſaid of ſuch things as to a wiues conſcience ſeeme to be ſinnefull, if they be enioyned to her; or her bounden duty, if they be forbidden: eſpecially if ſhe haue any ground for her conſcience out of Gods word. The conſcience is ſubiect to God alone: if it be forced it will be a fearefull horror, and a very hell in that party whoſe conſcience is forced: She that doubteth is condemned if ſhe doe that whereof ſhe maketh doubt.

1. Obiect. In doubtfull matters the commanding power of a gouernour is ſufficient warrant and ground to reſolue the conſcience of them that are vnder authority.

Anſw. 1. In things meerely doubtfull concerning which the partie in ſubiection hath not warrant out of Gods word one way or other, it may be ſo. But when the conſcience doth not doubt and hang in ſuſpence, but is out of ſome ground taken from Gods word perſwaded that that which is commanded is vnlawfull, or that which is forbidden is a bounden dutie, then to doe this, or to leaue that vndone, is to the party ſo perſwaded a ſinne: and this is the doubting (whereof the

Apoſtle ſpeaketh) that condemneth a man. In this caſe to vrge a wife to doe this, or not to doe that, is to vrge her to ſinne: which a milde ſpirit and louing heart will not doe.

2. Though the husbands command be ſufficient warrant to the wife, and if he peremptorily preſſe her to this or that, ſhe ought to yeeld, yet the loue and mildneſſe required of an husband ſhould make him ſo to tender her as to remit ſomething of his power, and when he ſeeth her conſcience troubled about his command, to releeue her conſcience by for bearing to preſſe that which ſeemeth ſo burthenſome to her. A husband may ſinne in preſſing that too much vpon his wife, which ſhe vpon his preſſing may without ſinne yeeld vnto.

§. 27. Of an husbands

wiſe carriage when his wife is erroneeuſly ſcrupulous.

2. Obiect. What if an husband vpon his knowledge obſerue his wife to be erroneouſly ſcrupulous, and to miſinterpret and miſapply the word of God which ſhe maketh the ground of her ſcruple?

Anſw. He muſt firſt labour to reſolue her conſcience by a plaine diſcouery of her error; which is a true and a great token of loue: if notwithſtanding all that he can doe in that kinde ſhe cannot be brought to yeeld to that which he would haue, then he muſt carefully obſerue theſe two things.

• 1. Whether her refuſing to yeeld, be an obſtinacy, or weakeneſſe.

• 2. Whether it be about a ſleight or weighty matter.

By the reaſons which ſhe rendreth, and her manner of preſſing them, he may diſcerne whether weakeneſſe or obſtinacy make her ſtand out againſt him: if the reaſon which ſhe reſteth on taken from Gods word be doubtfull, and to one that hath not a good ſound iudgement, and a ſharpe diſcerning wit, it may appeare to make ſomething for her, it is to be preſuppoſed that there is more weakeneſſe then ſtoutneſſe in her. But if ſhe can render no good reaſon, but only take euery ſhew that any way ſeemeth to incline to her words, and peremptorily holdeth the concluſion, and ſtifly ſtandeth on her owne reſolution, though the vanity of her pretences be euidently diſcouered to her, ſo as ſhe hath not any thing further to obiect;

or if ſhe render no reaſon at all but her owne thought, conceit and will, and yet refuſeth to yeeld, ſurely obſtinacy poſſeſſeth her heart. In caſe of obſtinacy it is very expedient that an husband ſtand vpon his power to maintaine his authority, and by the beſt wiſdome he can (vſing only ſuch meanes as are lawfull) bring her to yeeld from her ſtoutneſſe to that which he requireth: eſpecially if the matter be weighty: as in caſe a religious man haue been maried to a Popiſh wife, and ſhe by no reaſon will be moued to forbeare going to Maſſe, or yeeld to goe to the preaching of the Goſpell. But if through weakeneſſe ſhe cannot be perſwaded of the lawfulneſſe of that her husband requireth, and the matter required be of no great conſequence, nor the weakeneſſe of her conſcience cauſe any great error, an husband ought ſo farre to manifeſt his mildneſſe as to forbeare to preſſe her conſcience.

§. 28. Of an husbands

forbearing to preſſe things vnbeſeeming a wiues place.

3. Things vnbeſeeming the place of a wife are diſhonourable vnto her: for an husband to vrge his wife by ſtrict charge to doe them, implieth more rigorouſneſſe then mildneſſe. Had the ſpirit of that ſtout Monarch Ahaſhueroſh beene more milde towards his wife, he would not haue ſo farre preſſed his wife vnto ſo vnſeemly a thing as he did, namely, to come before all his Princes and people to make ſhew of her beautie. It is true indeed (as we ſhewed before) that ſhe offended in refuſing to yeeld thereunto, he peremptorily requiring it; but that offence on her part doth not juſtifie his fact, and free him from all blame: it is noted, that he was merry with wine, when he gaue that commandement, whereby is intimated, that his practiſe was more beſeeming a drunken, then a ſober man: ſuch is their practiſe who exact of their wiues to doe ſuch buſineſſes as beſeeme maid-ſeruants rather then wiues, or ſtrumpets rather then honeſt women; as to goe to tauernes, ale-houſes, play-houſes, and ſuch places where light companions be.

§. 29. Of an husbands preſſing his authoritie in weighty matters.

4. To vſe a mans authoritie about weightie matters, matters of moment, maketh it to haue ſuch weight in it, as it will much better

be regarded: for thus a wife will either be brought to yeeld vnto that which is commanded, or to condemne her ſelfe for not yeelding: yea thus a wife may ſee, that it is not his owne will ſo much which maketh him to vſe his authoritie in commanding, as the neceſſitie of the thing it ſelfe, which redoundeth eſpecially to her good that doth it: for the performance of a dutie is for the moſt part moſt aduantageable to the partie that performeth it, ſo as hereby an husband ſheweth loue to his wife in preſſing that which he preſſeth.

This token of loue that it may the better appeare, it is behouefull that an husband adde to his commandement iuſt & weightie reaſons, that thereby his wife may the better diſcerne the meetneſſe, lawfulneſſe, expediencie, and neceſſitie of the things commanded. We know that all the things which God commandeth are weightie and neceſſarie: yea his will (being the very rule, and ground of all goodneſſe) maketh things abſolutely neceſſarie, yet vnto his commandements he vſeth to adde weightie reaſons; ſhewing on the one ſide the benefit and bleſſedneſſe that will come to ſuch as obey his commandements; and on the other ſide, the miſchiefe and miſerie that will fall on their pates who refuſe to obey; whereby he ſheweth the great good reſpect which he beareth to vs, and the earneſt deſire he hath of our good. Thus may an husband euen in his commandements ſhew much loue and kindneſſe.

§. 30. Of husbands too great pride in commanding.

Contrary is the peremptorie pride of husbands, when they will haue their owne will done: it booteth not whether the thing commanded be lawfull or vnlawfull, whether their wiues conſciences can yeeld vnto it or no, whether it ſtand with the honour of their places or no, and whether it be weightie or light; their will it is it ſhould be done, and done it ſhall be, there is all the reaſon they will giue. Some thinke it a glory to command what they liſt; and thinke that there is no proofe of their authoritie, and of their wiues ſubiection, but in ſuch things as vpon their own will, without any further ground or reaſon, they command. If ſuch husbands meet with confronts; if though they command much, they finde not anſwerable performance; they may thanke themſelues,

who runne the ready courſe to haue their authoritie contemned and euen troden vnder foot.