§. 31. Of husbands rare and milde vſing their commanding power. to Queſt. What if her fault be an heinous notorious ſinne?

§. 31. Of husbands rare and milde vſing their commanding power.

Reſpect muſt be had by husbands to the manner of vſing their authoritie in commanding as well as to the matter.

In regard of the manner his commandements muſt be

• 1. Rare, not too frequent.

• 2. By way of intreating, not too peremptorie.

Authoritie is like a ſword, which with ouer much vſing will be blunted, and ſo faile to doe that ſeruice which otherwiſe it might when there is moſt need. A wiſe, graue, peaceable man, may alwayes haue his ſword in readineſſe, and that alſo very bright, keene, and ſharpe: but he will not be very ready to plucke it out of his ſcabberd; he rather keepeth it for a time of need, when it ſhould ſtand him in moſt ſteed. Such husbands therefore as are too frequent in their commands, ſhew themſelues nor graue, nor wiſe, nor louers of peace.

As the vſe of an husbands authoritie in commanding muſt be rare, ſo when there is occaſion to vſe it, it muſt be with ſuch mildneſſe and moderation tempered, ſo as (according to Saint Pauls example) though he haue power to command that which is conuenient, yet for loues ſake he rather intreat it. Note how mildly Abram frameth his ſpeech to his wife, Say I pray thee (ſaith he) thou art my ſister. Though the thing he required fauoured of too much weakneſſe, yet his manner of requiring it was well beſeeming a kinde husband.

§. 32. Of husbands inſolencie and peremptorineſſe.

Contrary is the inſolencie of many, who cannot ſpeake to their wiues, but in commanding-wiſe. Their authoritie is like a ſwaggerers ſword, which cannot long reſt in the ſheath, but vpon euery ſmall occaſion is drawne forth. This frequent vſe of commanding, maketh their commandements nought regarded. The like may be ſaid of them who are too peremptorie in commanding: there muſt be no ſaying of nay, to that which they ſay: vpon command they will haue their minde done, and no other way: no perſwaſion, no intreatie ſhall be vſed: they will rather not at all haue their will done, then not vpon abſolute command: nay they

will not ſuffer others, in caſe of any refuſall, to intreat, or perſwade, but will try what abſolutely they can doe by authoritie. Thus as by trying to bend ſteele how farre it will goe, it oft breaketh; ſo by putting their authoritie to the vttermoſt triall, they oft loſe all their authoritie: in which caſe the mends (as we ſpeake) is in their owne hands.

§. 33. Of an husbands

reprouing his wife.

4. The authoritie and charge which God hath giuen to an husband ouer his wife, doe require that as good and iuſt occaſion is offered, he ſhould reproue her: for this is an eſpeciall meanes to draw her from thoſe ſinnes, wherein otherwiſe ſhee might liue and lie, yea and die alſo; and ſo liue, lie, and die vnder Gods wrath: out of which miſerie and wretchedneſſe to free a wife, is as great a token of loue, as to pull her out of the water when ſhe is in danger of drowning, or out of the fire when ſhe is in danger of burning. Solomon thus ſtileth reproofes, reproofes of life, and expreſly noteth reproofes to be the way of life, a meanes to breed and preſerue ſpirituall life, and to bring one vnto eternall life, and ſo to eſcape death and damnation. In theſe reſpects rebukes are called a pretious balme, or excellent oyle, which may heale a wound, but make none: it breaketh not the head, as the Pſalmiſt ſpeaketh. Vpon this ground, no doubt, it is noted of many good husbands, who were without all queſtion, louing, kinde, meeke, and milde husbands, that they reproued their wiues: as Iaakob,

Iob,

Dauid, and others.

§. 34. Of neglecting reproofe.

Contrary is a ſeruile and timorous minde of many husbands, who are loth to offend, and (as they thinke) to prouoke their wiues; and thereupon chuſe rather to let them continue in ſinne, then tell them of it. Wherein they both diſhonour their place, and the image of God, which by vertue of their place they carry, and alſo in effect and in truth hate their wiues; which the Law implieth, where it ſaith, Thou ſhalt not hate thy brother in thine heart,

but ſhalt plainly rebuke thy neighbour, and not ſuffer ſinne vpon him.

§. 35. Of

well ordering reproofe in the matter thereof.

That an husband may euidently demonſtrate that his reprouing of his wife is indeed a fruit of his loue, he muſt haue an eſpeciall

care to ſweeten it, eſpecially with mildneſſe: for it is the bittereſt pill that by an husband can be giuen to a wife. It is a verball correction, & in that reſpect a middle meanes (as I may ſo ſpeake) betwixt admonition and correction; partaking ſomewhat of both: it goeth no further then words, and ſo is an admonition: the words of a reproofe are ſharpe, and ſo it is a correction: though it be but a milde correction, yet it is a ſharpe admonition; and all the correction which by himſelfe an husband can giue his wife: for we ſhall after ſhew that he may not proceed to blowes, and ſtrokes.

To ſweeten reproofe with mildneſſe reſpect muſt be had (as before was noted of commanding) both to the matter, and alſo to the manner thereof.

The matter of reproofe muſt be

1. Iuſt.

2. Weightie.

Iuſtice requireth that it be a truth, and a knowne truth, euen a thing whereof he is aſſured, for which he reproueth his wife. Chriſt in giuing direction for reprouing aright, layeth downe this as a ground, If thy brother ſhall treſpaſſe, &c. a treſpaſſe therefore muſt goe before reproofe: where no treſpaſſe is, there reproofe is vniuſt.

Againe, the Apoſtle aduiſeth that an accuſation ſhould not be receiued but vnder two, or three witneſſes; whereby he implieth that a light report muſt not be receiued, but where blame is laid, there muſt be two or three witneſſes to confirme it, ſo as he that cenſureth may haue good and ſure ground for that which he doth: indeed that aduiſe was in particular giuen about an elder, but from the leſſe to the greater it will follow to be a good aduiſe concerning wiues: for no kinde of perſon muſt be more warie in laying blame vpon another and reproouing for the ſame, then an husband on his wife.

Equitie further requireth that the matter for which an huſband reproueth his wife be weightie; namely for ſome fault that is dangerous to her ſoule, hurtfull to their eſtate, contagious by reaſon of ill example to children, and others in the family, but moſt of all for ſinne againſt God which prouoketh his wrath, and pulleth downe his heauie curſe vpon him, her, and the whole family.

When that for which a wife is reproued is a truth, a knowne

truth, and a weightie truth, the husband in performing this dutie iuſtifieth his deed, ſheweth that there was need thereof, and ſo giueth euidence of his loue, maketh his reproofe to pierce the more deeply, and ſo maketh her the more aſhamed of her fault; whence it will follow, that either ſhe will amend her fault or at leaſt will haue her mouth ſtopped, ſo as ſhe ſhall haue nothing to except againſt it. The reproofe of the three Saints before mentioned, Iaakob,

Iob, and Dauid, were anſwerable to theſe points of Iuſtice and wiſdome: and the effects thereof anſwerable to thoſe which we haue noted in this reaſon, as the ſilence of the three wiues implieth: for none of them replied againe.

§. 36. Of vndue reproofe.

Contrary to the forenamed Iuſtice and equitie are ouerlight credulitie and vndue ſuſpicion. Credulitie is when credence is giuen to euery light report, and thereupon blame laid vpon the wife before any iuſt proofe be made of that for which ſhe is blamed: whereby it oft commeth to paſſe, that ſhe is wrongfully and vniuſtly blamed: which if ſhe be, what good fruit can proceed from ſuch reproofes? yea what euill fruits are not like to proceed from thence, as ſecret diſcontent (if not malice and hatred) and open contentions and brawlings?

The like may be ſaid of light and cauſeleſſe ſuſpicion, which is the mother of iealouſie, and the very bane of mariage, from whence the deuill taketh great aduantage againſt them both, ſeeking thereby to vnlooſe that knot which God hath ſo firmly knit betwixt them. Suſpicion to the minde is as a coloured glaſſe to the eie, which repreſenteth things to the ſight not as indeed they are in their owne true colour, but as the colour of the glaſſe is. Suſpicion will make a man peruert euery thing that his wife doth, and blame her many times for ſuch things as are praiſe-worthy: in which caſe what can be thought, but that an husband ſeeketh aduantage againſt his wife, rather then any good vnto her?

If to thoſe two forenamed vices (credulity and ſuſpicion) he [gap]dde raſhneſſe and haſtineſſe in reprouing, and make euery [gap]mall and light matter which any way he diſliketh, matter of

reproofe, doth he not proclaime to all that ſhall know it, that he loues chiding more then he loues his wife? Yea is not this the ready way to make all his reproofe (if not ſcorned) lightly regarded? What then will be the profit of them?

§. 37. Whether an husband may reprooue his wife for ſuch things as he is guilty of.

To the matter of reproofe ſome adde, that an husband ought not to reproue his wife for that fault whereof he himſelfe is guiltie: but I make doubt of this direction. I denie not but that he ought to haue an eſpeciall care that he be not guiltie of that crime for which he blameth his wife; otherwiſe, 1. he blunteth the edge of his reproofe, ſo as readily it cannot peirce into her heart. 2. He cauſeth it to rebound backe againe vpon himſelfe with theſe reproches, Phyſitian healethy

ſelfe: Hypocrite firſt caſt the beame out of thine owne eye. Thou that teacheſt another teacheſt thou not thy ſelfe? 3. He is an heauy witneſſe againſt himſelfe; for in that he iudgeth another he condemneth himſelfe. But thereupon to infer, that becauſe he is guiltie of ſuch vices as are in his wife, he ought not to reproue her though ſhe be worthy to be reproued, is ſcarſe ſound and good diuinitie: for thus he maketh himſelfe guilty of a double fault, one of committing the ſinne himſelfe, the other of ſuffering his wife to lie therein: whereas if he reproued his wife, he might thereby reclaime both her and himſelfe: for I doubt not but his reprouing of his wife would ſtrike deeper into his owne conſcience then if a third ſhould reproue them both. How were Iudah and Dauid ſtroken to the heart after they had giuen ſentence againſt ſuch crimes as they themſelues were guiltie of? It is a good aduice that no man be guiltie of that which he reproueth in his wife, but it is no good rule to ſay, no man ought to reproue his wife of that whereof he is guiltie.

§. 38. Of well ordering reproofe in the manner thereof,

Like directions to thoſe which were giuen for the manner of commanding muſt be obſerued in the manner of reprouing.

Reproofes therefore muſt be

Rare.

Meeke.

When reproofes are ſeldome vſed, not but vpon vrgent and

neceſſary occaſion, 1. It ſheweth that an husband taketh no delight in rebuking his wife, but is euen forced thereto. 2. It maketh his wife much more regard it. 3. It is like to worke a more perfect cure, for ſeldome and rare reproofes doe commonly peirce moſt deeply.

Contrary is continuall chiding, and finding fault with a wife for euery thing amiſſe: if not only the wife her ſelfe, but a childe, or ſeruant, or any elſe in the houſe doe amiſſe, the wife ſhall be blamed for it. This is too common a fault in huſbands: whereby they much prouoke their wiues; yea and many times make them no more regard a reproofe then any other word. For as birds which alwaies abide in Belfries where much ringing is, are not a whit afrighted with their lowd ſound; ſo wiues who haue their eares from time to time filled with their husbands rebuke, by vſe are brought, nothing at all to be moued therewith.

2. That a reproofe muſt be giuen in meekneſſe is cleere by the Apoſtles generall precept of reſtoring one in the ſpirit of meekneſſe: for a right manner of reprouing is thereby particularly intended. Now of all with whom we haue to doe, no fitter obiect for meekneſſe then a wife, who in a more peculiar manner then any other is thine owne fleſh.

Meekneſſe hath reſpect both to ſecrecie of place, and to ſoftneſſe of words.

When an husband is alone with his wife, then is the fitteſt ſeaſon for reproofe: thus will reproofe be anſwerable to Chriſts direction: tell him his fault betweene thee and him alone (ſaith Chriſt of a brother:) but no brother muſt be tendred more then a wife. Thus will it alſo ſoake better into her ſoule, when no conceit of diſhonour and diſcredit ſhall ariſe vp to hinder the worke of it: which conceits will be ready to ariſe when a reproofe is giuen in publike before others. Thus likewiſe will occaſion be taken away from children and ſeruants of deſpiſing her: which otherwiſe they would quickly take, [gap]f before them ſhe ſhould be rebuked; gathering from thence, [gap]hat ſhe is kept vnder as much as they: now becauſe ſhe is with him a ioynt gouernour of them, he ought by all meanes to maintaine her reputation before them.

1. Queſt. What if ſhe regard not a rebuke in ſecret?

Anſw. He may follow Chriſts direction, Take one or two more, namely wiſe, graue, faithfull friends, if it may be, of her kindred, as her parents (if ſhe haue any liuing) or ſuch as are in courſe of nature next to parents (if they be not partiall on her ſide) and before them rebuke her: but by no meanes before any of the houſe vnder her gouernment.

2. Queſt. What if her fault be publicke, ſuch an one as may be an ill example to them of the houſe, it being committed in their ſight, or brought ſome other way to their knowledge?

Anſw. Wiſely he muſt ſo manifeſt his diſlike of her fault, as he no way impaire her honour: he may therefore declare that ſuch a thing was not well done, and fore-warne his houſhold of committing the like; yea roundly threaten them that if any of them doe the like they ſhall dearely repent it; and if ſuch as are vnder correction offend therein, the more ſurely and ſeuerely correct them, euen becauſe they haue taken example. Thus ſhall he teſtifie a great good reſpect of his wife, and alſo a thorow diſlike and hatred of her ſinne.

2. A ſoft tongue (as Salomon noteth) breaketh the bones, that is, ſoftneth an hard heart, and beateth downe a ſtout ſtomacke. How will it then worke vpon a ſoft heart, and gentle diſpoſition? If therefore an husband looke to doe good by reprouing his wife, his reproofe muſt be ſo ordered, as it may ſeeme to be rather a gentle admonition, then a ſharpe rebuke. He may and ought plainly to declare her fault vnto her, but in milde and meeke tearmes, without reuiling, opprobrious and ignominious words.

Queſt. What if her fault be an heinous notorious ſinne?

Anſw. In an extraordinary caſe ſome ſharpneſſe may be vſed: as the reproofes of Iaakob, Iob, and Dauid doe ſhew, for they were euery one of them ſharpe: but yet this ſharpneſſe muſt not be made bitter by any euill language. A womans wickedneſſe may not moue an husband to be froward, and outragious; but rather to be the more watchfull ouer himſelfe, that he containe himſelfe within the bounds of diſcretion and moderation. For which end it is meete that husbands lay it

downe for a rule, neuer to rebuke their wiues when they are in paſſion. Paſſion raiſeth a darke miſt before the eies of reaſon; which, while it remaineth, keepeth reaſon from giuing any good direction. Yea paſſion is as a fire, and it ſo incenſeth a man, and diſtempereth him, that in his diſorder he can keepe no meane or meaſure. Howſoeuer a man be not able to rule himſelfe when paſſion is ſtirred vp, yet, if before hand while his eie is ſingle, and his whole body light, while he is in tune (as we ſpeake) and well tempered, he reſoluedly determine with himſelfe not to doe ſuch or ſuch a thing in his paſſion; that fore-going reſolution will be an eſpeciall means to make him forbeare doing that in paſſion, which if he ſhould doe, he could not in paſſion well order and moderate. For if once he begin to doe a thing in paſſion, the leaſt prouocation that can be, will be as bellowes to blow vp that fire into a flame.

In regard of the violence of paſſion (wherein women by reaſon of the weakneſſe of their iudgement are for the moſt part moſt violent) it is alſo the part of a wiſe man to forbeare this duty of reprouing his wife euen when ſhe is in paſſion. For as it is needfull that he ſhould be in caſe well to giue a reproofe, ſo as needfull it is that ſhe ſhould be in caſe well to take a rebuke. Paſſion both filleth and feſtereth ones heart. The heart then being full of paſſion, what roome is left for good aduice? will a man powre wine into a veſſell full of water, or ſtay, till all the water be dreaned out?

The heart alſo being ſo feſtered as it ſauoureth of nothing but paſſion, what good can then good aduice doe?

It is therefore an eſpeciall point of wiſdome, and ſheweth a good reſpect that a man beareth to his wife, yea it ſauoureth of much meekneſſe and moderation for an husband, well to weigh both his owne and his wiues temper when he reproueth her, and to forbeare doing it while either he or ſhe be in paſſion.